Anger

Or was it frustration? 



Either way, I'm upset. My Abby, my beautiful, wonderful, happy child has turned into a demon-monster. She was doing well in school. She was doing well at home. We were so happy as a family, had a good rhythm going, and was actually at the point were we could live a semi-normal existence. You know, one where you get to leave the house and do stuff with your kids. And they sort of cooperate.



And suddenly... poof!... she was no more. 


Now she's aggressive, unhappy, uncooperative. She hits the other kids. She repeats words for 45 minutes or more at a time. She's unable to cope with loud noises, engages in self-stimulating behaviours, and whole nine yards. 

*sigh*


Talked to doctor. He says it might be neurological. We've been cutting back one of her meds, with the hopes of weaning her off one (she's been almost 2 years since a seizure).


Talk to neuro. No, no, no, they insist. It must be physical. Don't worry about it. Keep tapering her meds. 


So back off to Dr. E we go. I've got five pages (2 from teacher, 3 from me) outlining her changed behaviour. In a small font. Including her attacking another kid with scissors today. 


*sigh*


I hate this merry-go-round. 


Have I mentioned that Autism sucks??

Roads

I know. 



Don't say it. 


I've been a bad girl. 


I haven't posted in, literally, forever. 


Is this something I need to go to confession about? 

How has your journey been? 

Grand Valley

Mine's been interesting. Different. Divergent. I feel like I'm on the cusp of something wonderful, and large, and momentous.


Okay, I often feel like that. And maybe someday it will come true.


I guess I'm thinking about a road because of a couple of conversations I've had recently. About where we're going, not only as individuals, but as a people. As a society.

One block at a time

We build our futures one block at a time. Really, where we build them is totally up to us. Or is it? How much are we the products of our own choices, and how much are we the products of our socialization? Who would we be, really, if we could be anyone without that tearing down and building up that is our sociological upbringing? Without the blatant commercialization of everything in our day to day lives?

Negociation is key

Our lives are something that requires a great deal of navigation. Some of us, I suppose, navigate like we drive a car... by the seat of our pants, never stopping for directions, relying on instinct, intuition and just blind luck to arrive at our destination. Or just going for a leisurely cruise, seeing where we end up. 



Others need a map. A detailed map. Like a CAA Triptik, with all the rest stops preplanned, all the sight-seeing meticulously marked, and a detailed milage log kep. There is a specific destination in mind that must be arrived at by a specific date. 

Which one am I? I don't know, a little of both. I don't really know where my destination is anymore, and I'm mostly okay with that. 


I have more thoughts about this, but really need my destination to be bed right now. We'll chat more later. 

Random

Checkin' in. 

Opening Christmas Stuff

A favourite activity - piled into the chair

Cheezy

Smiling for Mom

My beautiful babies <3

 That's all. 

Stuff

Pst. 



Hey.


You. 


Yes, you. 












Happy New Year! 


Okay, enough of that. 


This is a story about stuff. 


Not, not that Story About Stuff. 


This one is my own. 


In this case, it's the story about MY stuff. You know, the stuff that accumulates in the recesses of a house. 


Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have been purging. And purging. And purging. And a month or so later, I'm finally starting to make a dent. 


Well, a small one anyway. 


It never fails to both fascinate and horrify me that we can accumulate so much stuff. My husband and I don't consider ourselves materialistic people. We only have one income. Yes, we have three children, but our ability to acquire is seriously hampered by our financial situation. 


So where does stuff come from? 


Well, a lot comes from friends and family. I am so grateful for them. They alone provide me with enough hand-me-down clothes to comfortably clothe my children. My parents give gifts to us and our children, all year round. We are very blessed in that regard, that we never have for want our material needs. 


But there's a catch. I hoard. 


Yes, there it is. I admitted it. I tend to hoard. 


I went though all the kids clothes. I gave away 12, yes 12 garbage bags of clothes and shoes that no one will wear because we simply have so much. I lent out 8 boxes of clothes to friends who have babies/toddlers and Rachael has outgrown her clothes. I still have clothes coming out of my ears!


Yeshe. That's a lotta stuff.


I realized something today, however. What's the deal with me hoarding? Am I not trusting that God will provide for us? I mean, it's reasonable for me to hang on to Abby's clothes that she's outgrown at this point as Rachael will grow into them in the next couple of years. But do I really need six boxes of clothes in size 3X? I needed clothes for Joseph. I ended up with 4 people giving/gifting me clothes from their own kids for me to pick through. I kept a box or two of each size of the nicest stuff, and gifted the rest on. 


Sorting though box after box after box of... junk.. I realized that a lot of stuff I was hanging onto "just in case". Or sometimes it was "in case someone needs it someday". We have never wanted. God has always provided. Or, at least our family and friends have. 


My new year's resolution? To let go. To not let my stuff hold onto me like that, and to trust that I will find what I need when I need it. It's also to know the limits of our stuff. Joseph doesn't need four giant diaper boxes full of infant toys. He "needs" one, and a small one at that because his sisters' toys are much more interesting anyway. Do we really need hundreds of books when there's thousands for free at our fingertips at the library? Do I really need all those fancy dishes that have never seen the light of day? Do I need those trinkets that have sat forgotten in a box since moving over two years ago? 


What are your resolutions? And what is your "stuff"?

Consumed

My sporadic blogging is annoying. Yes, even to me it's annoying. I often have ideas rattling around inside my head (see, when I shake it you can hear them rolling around like marbles!), but never seem to commit to them. 



But this idea is compelling me. You see, I must write about Facebook again. 

I know. I hear your groans and I feel your pain. But bear with me. 



I've written previously about my departure from Facebook. And about coming back. Yes, I know, I'm obsessed. But this phenomenon of social media has long both intrigued me and worried me.


I remember years ago when Facebook was still "new" (Abby was a baby), a friend of mine told me that she had posted pictures of my child (and other friends' kids as well) on Facebook. I was livid. I tore her up one side and down another and made her swear she would never, ever do such a thing again. I swore I would never join such an insidious website, as I saw very clearly the apparent dangers without every truly understanding what either Facebook, nor the dangers, actually were. 

Eventually, after being bombarded with invitation after invitation, curiosity got the better of me and I joined. And I was hooked. 


My own feelings of malaise and mistrust was replaced by, "Wow, look at how cool this is!" I posted photos of my kids. I updated my status umpteen million times a day. I watered my imaginary garden and served meals at my virtual restaurant. 

But then, one day, I had to turn it off. But by then, it had become so deeply ingrained in our culture and our daily lives that leaving suddenly left a void that was not easily filled. But I also felt a sense of freedom that I never realized I lacked. 


However, in the end, I relented to the incessant pressure and rejoined. I missed finding out the nitty-gritty details of the lives of my sister-in-laws. I wanted to enter contests that you must have a Facebook account to be enterable. I needed to know when playgroup as cancelled. We have lived an uneasy coexistence for several months again. 


But then two things happened. 

Firstly, I realized that the majority of my status updates came not from friends and family, but from businesses. Products, newsletters, media outlets, etc. The information I was consuming was not about the personal details, but about mass consumption. That bothered me, because the whole point of me rejoining Facebook was to have personal connections that were getting hard to maintain any other way. I was obviously deluding myself. 



The second one, however, I must credit Dan Meisner, the CBC Radio tech columnist. His idea was not new, and it was something I think I had intuitively concluded on my own, but he expressed it very succinctly in an interview. 


We are users of Facebook as much as we're the product that Facebook sells to it's advertisers. 


I'll say it again. We are the commodity that Facebook sells. 

That idea startled me. I know we often trade data in exchange for benefits. Things like Airmiles, PC Points, Aeroplan, all use your data to develop marketing strategies. In exchange, you get free stuff. I admit, I love PC Points. I get free chequing and have cashed in literally hundreds upon hundreds of dollars of free groceries. 


If I was truly concerned about my privacy, I wouldn't participate in those types of merchant-reward programs. I would pay everything is cash instead of using credit or debit. But I don't. I accept the trade. 


But somehow Facebook is different. 


Facebook is slick. You like a page? Click on the "like" button. It follows you around as you browse and live your online life, even if you're signed out. I have seen examples of this, and it disturbed me. 

Yes, I like it!

Unlike something like, say, Airmiles, where you have to actively submit your information by handing over your Airmiles card, Facebook collects data on you without you even knowing. And I know they're not the only game in town that does it, but they are very, very good at it. 


Everyone is so excited about Social Media and how powerful it is. It helped power the Arab Spring, and is a driving force behind the Occupy movement. But at the end of the day, it's just something else to be consumed, and to consume us. 

I don't really know how to finish this post. I feel like I have this valuable insight, but not sure how to use it. I find myself on Facebook less and less since coming to these realizations, but can't seem to sever myself completely. It has me thinking, however, about my privacy and my consumption habits, and wondering whether or not I will be consumed. 


I am reminded of the story of Lot, when he is fleeing from Sodom and Gomorrah. The angels tell him: "Get up, take your wife and your two daughters who are here, or else you will be consumed in the punishment of the city." (Gen 19:15) Perhaps there is a lesson there. He did flee with this family, and avoided being consumed in the punishment, but his story did not end happily. His wife, disobeying the angel's command, turns to salt. His daughters conceive children fathered by Lot, who went on to found new nations who were the enemies of Israel, and the enemies of God who were ultimately destroyed.

 

I shudder at what the implications of our consumption may be. 

Poser

I recently rejoined Facebook. 

Why? At the time, it seemed like a good idea. I've discovered, however, that it's easily as annoying as reality TV. I guess it sort of is reality TV. People put their lives out on display via status updates and photo albums for the world to see.   

One thing I've noticed is many people with their Facebook persona have "the pose" for their avatar. I'm sure you've seen which one I'm referring to.  It's the one obviously taken at arm's length, at about forehead height, pointing downwards. It makes their forehead look really big, and their cheeks and chins impossibly skinny.

What's up with that?  

I mean, not everyone has that picture as their profile pic. Lots of people use pictures of their kids. Some use very nice pictures of themselves. Others, like me, tend to use photos of random objects (that reminds me, time to update my photo...). 

The picture, however, is a reflection of who we portray ourselves to be to the outside world. It's like Facebook is this huge social experiment where we are trying on different identities with our friends and associates.  

I wonder what identity is shown in "the pose"? Who are they, or rather, who are they trying to be? I know the "me" on Facebook is only a small part of who I am, a pithy and cleverly-edited version of myself. ::smiles:: The "random objects" of my avatar are actually elements of my life that are precious to me: the statue from our trip to Regina; a flower from our first camping trip as a family; the stick garden Rachael and I planted as the long winter slowly melted into spring. 

In our larger life, who are trying to be? I wonder if who I portray myself as to others is in fact who I am. Sometimes I wonder if that person is simply who I would rather be.  

So back to "the pose". Who are they trying to be? Should I be concerned that probably 50% of my "friends" on Facebook are all trying to be the same person? I worry about the judgments I make about my friends and family by their profile pictures and their status updates.  What does it say about us a society where we all take pictures of ourselves that make us look slightly like space aliens with sunken cheeks and pointy chins? 

Do we even know for ourselves? 

He Will Henceforth Be Known As "Baby Go"

We have a son! 

Not that this is new news, he is 2.5 months old already, but I just haven't seem to have to time to complete a post (although I've started several).

Anyway, we have a gorgeous son we named Joseph. Rachael calls him Baby Go, or sometimes Baby Goo. Abby just calls him "Baby". 

Tis all for now!