And the Greatest of These Is Fear

My Mom used to tell me I was a scaredy cat.

She used to also sing me the song: "Every party needs a pooper, that's why we invited you, party poo-per, party poo-per", but that's for another discussion. We have already mentioned the pleasant, agreeable child I once was. Let's just leave it at that.

I couldn't even list things that I was afraid of as a child, but as an adult, I'm afraid of (in no particular order):

- furnaces
- most gas appliances
- on occasion, my husband's driving
- putting my hand into strange, dark places
- earthworms
- spiders and spiderwebs
- most insects
- thunderstorms and/or tornadoes
- large dogs
- some teenagers
- slimy things

I admit it. I am a scaredy-cat. There, I said it out loud.

When Abby was diagnosed with Infantile Spasms, my most overwhelming emotion was fear. I was afraid. How do I cope? I asked myself. What does this mean? Who will my child be? Can we really do this?

Why is God mad at me?

But you adjust. You learn to cope, and develop strategies to muddle your way through.

I am afraid of spiders, but I compensate by getting a really, really big pair of shoes to squish them with. I am afraid of thunderstorms, but I keep my weather radio handy and will hide in the basement when it gets too intense. Earthworms are not scary if I wear garden gloves when touching them.

When Abby had that first, very intense round of seizures, I was very afraid. The second go-round, I was still afraid, but I felt better equipped. I knew the worst was behind us.

And now, as we plunge into a third round, there is fear, but also anger. We went almost 20 glorious months without a seizure. Until this week. I didn't know for sure until today, but it was unmistakable. And Abby knew. She's been trying to communicate it to me the past four days. She'd been crying, restless, clingy non-stop for four days. It came to a head this afternoon, when she refused to leave my side.

And then I saw it.

When it was done, there was fear in her eyes, but she saw that I knew. She cried in my arms, and all I could do was hold her tight. But then we were at peace again, and the crying, the restlessness, the absolute clinginess stopped. She was more herself again. The fear, that loneliness from holding her secret was gone.

There's nothing scarier than being alone with your fears.

Moved

Well, we made it. We're here! All is well.

The girls were great the first night at the new house, but by the second night Abby realized that this was our house, and was none too pleased. Michael suggested that maybe she thought this was Grandma and Grandpa's new house, as they were here all week helping us, and it was only after they left to go home that the awful truth was realized!

Heh. Oops. Poor kid.

She did better today though, a nice, long, hot bath before bed helped. Both kids were in bed, asleep, before 9 p.m., a rare treat in our home.

So you'll excuse me if I don't check in for a bit. I have about 200 boxes vying for my attention, I still can't locate a few key items in my kitchen (although Michael finally found my toothbrush. Whew!), and we're about to experience our first major snowfall for the year, about a month later than normal (but in perfect timing after our move!).

See you soon!

Excitement

One more sleep until moving day!! Eeeeep!

And Now For Our Feature Presentation....

Not to be outdone by Jen's latest performance video, I happily present Mommy and Rachael singing a duet!

The Countdown Is On!!

Only two more sleeps until we get the keys!!

I'm feverishly packing, and running out of places to stack boxes. The first order of business when we get the keys will be move a load of boxes.

We're enjoying incredible weather here, and hopefully it will hold until after the move. On November 20th, Rachael was picking me a dandelion bouquet at the park. We're normally under a foot of snow. We're wearing spring jackets instead of snowsuits.
Okay, back to packing. We're going to the parade tonight, not that we care about Santa. That's for another post. :)

The Best Things In Life Are (More Or Less) Free *

As we hemmed and hawed about the upcoming move, one of our considerations was affordability. I was worried that we wouldn't have money to buy our children nice toys, books, games, etc.

I eventually came to the conclusion that my children's favorite toy is Mommy, and their favourite books are at the library.

I feel that today reinforced my opinion. What did my kids do today?

Abby wanted to play ring around the rosy with Mommy. Again and again and again....

Rachael played for the better part of an hour with: a 500ml jam jar with two-piece lid, a toothbrush, a spork, and a bubble wand.

Oh, and they fought over the Brown Bear Brown Bear What Did You See book from the library.

See? Nothing to worry about.... :)

*or can be purchased inexpensively at your local dollar store.

The Waiting Game

I don't often complain about waiting lists.

In Canada, with socialized medicine, we often have waiting lists. You wait to see your doctor. You wait for a specialist. You wait for your tests. Heavens, sometimes you wait weeks or months to start chemo or radiation treatments.

We've experienced very little waiting. Generally, what Abby needs she gets in very short order. I guess that's one of the benefits of having an acutely ill child so early in life.

But now, really for the first time in Abby's life, we're playing the waiting game.

Two important transitions happened this week. Yesterday was one of Abby's ABA tutors last day. We were heartbroken that she was leaving (Honey, if you're reading this, don't feel bad... we understand. Really. We knew it wasn't forever.), as Abby loves her "girls". I would smile when I heard them playing a favorite game of "touch the ceiling", or when they sang funny and familiar songs together. Therapy time was very much fun time.

We had several weeks warning that she was leaving, but it still feels like that in the blink of an eye, she was gone.

So we wait. For a replacement. Which none suitable has yet been located. Abby still has her other "girl" in the mornings, another young woman who she (and we!) love dearly. But it's just not the same.

And now, we also discover this week that our time with the speech language pathologist has been cut short. We knew our time was ending soon, as her belly grew rounder and bigger and her due date drew near. But she's had problems with the pregnancy, and she's been told to quit working. Now.

So in the blink of an eye, literally, she was gone.

So we wait. For a replacement. Which none suitable has yet been located. Abby is at the top of the priority list for the next opening with a SLP, but we might be waiting awhile. As in, we might be waiting a year until our regular SLP is back from maternity leave.

I have, in my past, struggled with things like anxiety. As most people who have had to deal with that monster-in-the-shadows will tell you, the hardest thing to deal with is the anticipation. The not knowing. Simply, the waiting is what gets to you.

::drums fingers on desk, waiting::