No, I said vehemently. I have experienced clinical depression before, and this isn't it. He let the matter drop.
He did, however, plant the seed of doubt. Maybe I was, I thought. I now realize that it isn't my health per se that's failing me, but my mental health. Depression has a funny way to creeping up on you without you realizing it's even in the room. I don't think it's anything specific - just the daily grind wearing me down. Too many years of not enough sleep, too much chronic stress, and physical clutter that causes mental and spiritual clutter.
So I've embarked on a "get healthy" plan. Getting to bed earlier. Switching up sleeping arrangements a bit to help Christina sleep better too... maybe even through the night! Applying for a temporary job with Census. Moving forward with "organize the closets" project and general ruthless decluttering. Starting taking some supplements that have helped in the past, including 5-HTP and B12.
I don't want to go on antidepressants if I can help it. I've been down that road, and the side-effects were difficult. I will as a last resort, but only as a last resort.
These last few days of 2015 I feel like I've accomplished a lot. More than I accomplished the few last months anyhow. I am finding the decluttering especially energizing, and it's keeping me motivated. It's unreal the amount of stuff I can just get rid of - stuff that hasn't seen the light of day in years sometimes - and often it's just outright garbage that I throw away. The kids complained initially, but I think they are starting to see the changes. There's more floor space. Things are put away. They can find what they're looking for. Mom is happier and more energetic.
So here we are. My New Year's resolution? Not really a resolution, but a determination to continue on this new trajectory. A trajectory that doesn't result in my crashing into the Earth again.
